Invisible

You can’t see me. 

Yet you walk towards me, tell me I’m beautiful, interesting. It only lasts for a minute. This is all you can muster, this moment of interest, effort. Once I reciprocate you stop, you swallow up my kindness, my care, endless compliments and affection. You dissolve in my generosity. 

But I bathe in your desire. I sink deep into being wanted, adored. 

I hide behind this face, my smile, my cool, composed facade. I’m different, not like other girls. Still I don’t get what I want.

I don’t want to change you. I want to change myself, but it’s hard. I want to choose something different, but I keep falling into the same old worn pattern. Do I choose it or does it choose me?

Change is a long slow process. I feel uncomfortable and the feeling passes. But is it different? Have I changed?

I want something, but I don’t know how to get it. 

I heal so slowly.  

I settle for chemistry, your gentle caress feels like love but it’s just sex, raw desire, physical energy. It has to be enough for this moment. My mind knows this, but my spirit does not. I fight with myself, but you don’t see a thing.

It’s just that I’m invisible. My deepest desires cannot be seen.

Only felt, by me.  

I don’t dare tell you what I want. 

It’s a trick. I tricked myself. I lost myself in the silence and forgot this is not what I wanted. I tricked you into thinking I that didn’t care, I’ll settle for this. I tricked myself into thinking that not talking about it is somehow better.

So I make myself invisible, my true desire dies in my silence. 

To get what I want, do I have to give up this silence? 

I dive into the unknown. Again. 

Maybe it will be different this time, I won’t respond. I won’t seek out what hurts me.

Maybe I’ll stop asking you for something you can’t give me. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with me. 

Maybe when I ask for what I need I’ll become visible. 

To the right person. 

I reclaim my energy. 

Over and over again. 

But then I realize,

It’s not you that I want. I just want to seen; to be wanted.