Growth

This feedback loop always comes back to me. 

A spotlight on all I’ve done wrong. 

But I’ve shined it on myself, 

I internalize, you externalize. 

All fingers point in my direction. 

It’s obvious this doesn’t work. 

But you can’t see it, 

I absorb your criticism. 

Silently. 

I melt, shift, adjust, trying to make it work. 

I can take it. 

Do I want partnership more than peace of mind? 

The relationship with myself suffers, 

An internal battle, 

Waging war in my mind. 

It’s close, but it’s not right. 

I cannot make something right when it’s not. 

I retreat back into myself, 

Walk away. 

I learn so slowly, 

What love feels like, looks like, sounds like. 

You say I’ll know when I find it. 

First I must find it within myself. 

Practice.

You tell me the relationship with myself is most important. 

But I want something I’ve never had before. 

Change happens slowly, 

I’m impatient. 

But I wait, both happily and unhappily

At the same time. 

I transform, 

And somehow believe

I will manifest what I want. 

I doubt myself, 

I always have. 

My thoughts are my guide and my enemy at the same time. 

It’s just that I can’t fight the enemy on my own,

It’s inside me. 

So I pour my soul out to you, 

And I trust you. 

I need you, 

And I know that to get what I want

I must do something different. 

And I’m willing to be uncomfortable. 

For without growth,

My soul will die. 

Life is precious,

Cherish it. 

Even the parts that hurt.