Mexico City

Mexico City sprawls
Rises up
The city stretches out it’s busy arms
Between the mountains
A bustling valley
Purple flowers bloom
Uneven sidewalks greet me
Closed baskets
Street markets
Ask you to look inside

The entire city sinks
Leans
Mexico City
A city of dreams
Flowers and trees
Tortillas and towers
Pollution permeates
Fragrant gas, food, flowers

Aren’t we all leaning slightly
You might not notice at first
The flaws peek through the character
The curves lead us astray
But in them we play
We are all sinking
Deeper into life
Finding our way

The buildings bend ever so slightly
Smiling upon Mexico City
Showing their history
Cracks are markers of age
Vibrant life
The city plays music
Dances and sways

There are no straight lines
We are all warped
Defined
By our leaning
Ever so slight

Embracing our flawed beauty
Uniqueness
Mexico City invites us in
And teaches us
That we are all built on top of something
What happened before shapes us
And pushes us
To be something more
Isn’t that what cities are for?

Only Get a PhD…

Only get a PhD
If you want criticism endlessly
Pointless feedback
Warped reality
A mountain of opinions
An ego factory

There’s only so much feedback
I can take
Before I stop caring
My passions crack
My motivation breaks

It’s just that you don’t realize
How silly it all is
Until your halfway through
At that point you convince yourself
It’s worth it
What else will I do?

I’ve already spent this much time
Giving it up now would be a crime
I guess I’ll keep going after all
Someday I’ll hang something on my wall

I’ll have letters behind my name
A reward for playing this game
Appeasing the gatekeepers
The smart people
The true teachers

It’s not easy you know
In the academy
See how far you can go
Is a PhD worth your sanity?

I hope someday I don’t become
An unnecessary critic
A killer of fun
A tenured professor
A pillar at one
Of the institutions
That sucks you dry
Leaves you unemployed
In debt
With some simple letters
And a goodbye

Holes

I am full of holes
A human sieve
Emotions pour through me
But they don’t stay
I am putty
I allow people to play
Mold my identity
Sometimes irresponsibly

There are holes in my soul
My experiences are vague
I can’t make sense of
Any feeling, any day
Nothing sticks
Everything flows through me
While time passes away

My mind is full of holes
Things that happened long ago
Morphed into memories
Blank spots
Illusions and stories
That I can’t show
Shape-shift and sway
In my conscious
They are close
But happening so far away

My body is full of holes
Incomplete
Fragments of humanity
People I meet
Everyone sees me
And experiences me differently

I must be careful
Not to fall in my holes
They like to hide
I don’t know their exact location
It’s hard to see when I’m inside
Their depth is immeasurable
Their deception penetrable

Old holes and new holes
Needing repair
How can I heal myself
When there are holes everywhere?

Deserving

Deserve is a strange word
We need a reward for just being
All of our desires must be heard
By the Universe
Which should cater to our needs
Our purpose and meaning

But who gets what they want
Who is deserving
And who gets punishment
Does anyone deserve to be the brunt
Of the worlds cruelty?
The harsh divide between you and me?

Does everyone deserve to eat?
To have shelter and seek
Security, a better life
Who is deserving?

And who delivers this reward
It seems deciding who is hard
Can we make these decisions?
Without having all the information?

Who deserves land, territory
Who deserves to tell their story
Who deserves to be recognized
And who should be despised

Does anyone deserve war?
To have their hearts broken
Do some deserve more
Than others?

Is this something you manifest
Perhaps this is all a test
Of our humanity
Our willingness willing to give
To someone with less

To think about others
When it doesn’t benefit us
To accept what we have
And be more generous

Or do we think we are better than the rest
The less deserving
We are so self serving
Our entitlement will be our demise
Unless we become interested
In others lives

Others that are far away
That we haven’t met
That are separate
How easy it it to forget
We are all human

Who deserves to live
And who deserves to die?
We pretend we know
We think we are right

But our window is so small
Do the Gods respond to the prayers of all
Can everyone’s pleas be heard?
Do everyone’s dreams matter?
What do you deserve?

The Truth

What is the truth?
A perception
A feeling
A created reality
The space that exists
Between you and me
You say I’m toxic
I think I’m healthy
Which one of us can’t see?

Is truth what exists
When there is silence
When the mind is quiet
If the mind is ever quiet
How can we find it

Our truths are not the same
One persons truth
Is anothers pain
Is there one truth?
Is there one right way?

Sometimes I think I know
Other times it’s grey
So many stories
So many lives
The mind is powerful
But sometimes it lies

Have you ever been lost
In your own mind?
Maybe I create my truth
It may bend a little to connect
With you
The more I experience
The more I question what’s true
It feels like questioning
Is the right thing to do

I decide
What’s right
But I can always change my mind
Perhaps the truth doesn’t exist
Or maybe it’s just hard to find

We are all living separate truths
In our own lives
The writers of history
The makers of time
But what is mine?

Cotton

I sat down in meditation
And lost myself
My mind went on vacation
My body started to hum
Full of vibration

And I turned into
A ball of cotton
Fluffy and white
Wispy
Floating free
Without a body
My normal life has been forgotten

An open window
A gentle breeze
Causes the slightest movement
Weightless and free

It shifts me slightly
Off my cushion
I roll and float
Through the mediation
Across the floor
Over the mat
Nothing to stop me
No coming back

All eyes are closed
I float undetected
A cotton ball is not suspected
I brush by a cheek
But all is still

The wind dances through me
A force of will
And then with a gust
I blow away

Float up into the sky
I leave without acknowledgement
Without a goodbye
I’m carried into the big blue
The infinite

I float so high
The wind is my guide
I exist up here
There’s no fear

A light ball of energy
There is no me
No space and time
Just a ball of cotton
Floating by

Lines

I stare at myself in the mirror
Expression lines
Creases
Crinkles
A story etched into my forehead
When did I get wrinkles?

I want them to leave
Exit immediately
I rub creams, oils, masks
Apply sunscreen desperately
I wonder if you see what I see
Instead of looking into my eyes
You are looking at my lines
Folds that tell you I’m getting old

Markers of my experience
My time
A life of stress and excitement
Hard decisions I’ve had to make
All the paths I’ve chosen to take
Repentance, glory, and sin
Worn on my skin
A face full of life
Seeking
A bottle of collagen
My youth has disappeared overnight

I stare back at them hard
I see every faint crease
Every mark
I run my hands over their indentation
Setting an intention
To love myself
I’m learning so slowly

I try hard not to move
My eyebrows, my eyes
Trying to improve
The situation
As if I keep still
They will reside
My forehead will smooth
Milky white

My perfection, my youth
Faintly slips away
I suppose these lines are here to stay
I find myself further inside
Tempted to hide
My flaws, my face
I think about Botox
Trying to erase the evidence

I embrace my age
I embrace my lines
Knowing my wrinkles
Don’t define my character
I want you to see my life
My old soul
And know that’s it’s full
My happiness shows through my crinkles
I smile deeply
Crows feet
Even though it creates
What I hate

I want to be this person
I want these lines
I want all of my experiences
My expressions, appearances
But I fear growing old
We’ve all been sold
An illusion of perpetual youth
Unflawed, non-reality
Smooth skin
And told it’s our duty
To look this way
I accept who I am in the mirror
I refuse to pay
These wrinkles are here to stay

And then with a start
I turn the off the lights
I can no longer see, only feel
My innermost self, beautiful
My lines disappear in the dark
My skin recedes
Blackness envelops me
And I become energy

Snow

I walk at night
With no place to go
Illuminated by the iridescent light
The soft snow falling around me
I’m alone
The streets are empty
The sky reflects off the dull white
Glowing brightly
A hazy melancholy

I bundle up tightly
Can’t feel my toes
But I want to walk
I wore all my clothes
Prepared
To get lost
To be in the snow

Soft flakes kiss my face
In the vacant night
I have so much space
So much room
A faint outline of the full moon
Subtly shines through

I move through the snow gently
With no place to be
Called forth by the storm
My desire to think
Stronger than my want to be warm

It’s like seeing the streets
With no makeup on
Unwinding
Just before they go to sleep

An intimate moment
A special time
Walking in the snow at night
Is my secret
My peace of mind

Why

Life feels like I’m running on a treadmill
To no avail
No lost weight, just time.
Like dieting, desperately
Just to find
I look the same
Nothing’s changed
No matter what I do
I’ll never be able to fit that small size

Why still try?
It seems as if the Gods
Have already decided
They are against me
A fight with reality
A fruitless effort
A frustrating ride

I spent an eternity calling you in
Yet you just walked by
Without a smile
Without catching my eye
A life wasted
An unsaid goodbye
A lucky break
For the wrong guy

I put in so much effort
But I’m barely getting by
Dated my whole life
And never met my soulmate
Did all things right
Except participate

Got caught in civil wars
Poor countries
The wrong side of the caliphate
An incorrect direction of fate
Born in the wrong color
The wrong state
One year, one minute
Too late

Punished for things
Beyond my control
That happened
Before I could even cry
At what point am I responsible
For my life?

I’m unable to find a reason why
A universal struggle
With no answer
To the question
That’s been asked
Since the beginning of time

Or so the story goes
We all wonder
But no one really knows

Why?

Jamaica

I knew the moment you smiled at me
We locked eyes
And I returned your smile shyly
I’d see you again

You come back the next day
I lay on your table
Melting under your warm touch
You slowly undress
Caress and tease
I loll in the cool Jamaican breeze
You slip off my pants
Stroke my thighs
Invite me to dance
To the hum of the tides
In your personal yoga retreat
Massage therapy

I sneak out like a rebellious adolescent
Climbing the fence at night
Walk the wooden plank into your world
I don’t know where I am
I shouldn’t be here

You guide me through my fears
Gently grabbing my hand
We make love in your gym
A weight bench
A massage table
A parrot watching us with disapproval

You light up a joint
I lay basked in fluorescent nakedness
A foreigners bliss
A Jamaican fling
An accent so thick
I can’t understand a thing
A connection of the eyes
The smile is inviting

Your beautiful skin enticing
I caress your wounds
Unravel your stories
Your bullet holes and glories
Explore your past
Knowing this will not last
I make notes on your skin
Remembering
Etching into my story
Transient passion
Glorious sin

You drive me home at dawn
I pretend like I haven’t gone
Sneak in smiling
At my secret
The yoga retreat carries on
Yet your name creeps into my song
My experience

I’m in Jamaica for one more night
But I’ll remember that massage
For the rest of my life

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