The Watcher

Everybody is watching me
Eyes in my walls
Holes poked through
An inner view

At once I realize
I’m being watched
I weigh the cost
I’m aware of the eyes

And don’t know what to do
Seeing my inside
When I’m alone
Vulnerable at home

I replay all my actions
All that has already happened
The eyes don’t go away
How long has it been this way

An intrusion of privacy
An anonymous view
A subtle crime
That will go unpunished
The discomfort is mine

And then I wake up with a start
Replaying my surveillance
In my waking state
I realize my fate
I’m being watched at any rate

Awake or asleep
Privacy is a luxury
My nightmare is that everyone can see
I’ll no longer be alone

I’m being watched through my walls
I’m being watched in my home,
I’m being watched by strangers
By my computer, my phone

I’m being watched by myself
At every moment
But who is the watcher?
Are the eyes my own?

August 24, 2022 0

Why

Life feels like I’m running on a treadmill
To no avail
No lost weight, just time.
Like dieting, desperately
Just to find
I look the same
Nothing’s changed
No matter what I do
I’ll never be able to fit that small size

Why still try?
It seems as if the Gods
Have already decided
They are against me
A fight with reality
A fruitless effort
A frustrating ride

I spent an eternity calling you in
Yet you just walked by
Without a smile
Without catching my eye
A life wasted
An unsaid goodbye
A lucky break
For the wrong guy

I put in so much effort
But I’m barely getting by
Dated my whole life
And never met my soulmate
Did all things right
Except participate

Got caught in civil wars
Poor countries
The wrong side of the caliphate
An incorrect direction of fate
Born in the wrong color
The wrong state
One year, one minute
Too late

Punished for things
Beyond my control
That happened
Before I could even cry
At what point am I responsible
For my life?

I’m unable to find a reason why
A universal struggle
With no answer
To the question
That’s been asked
Since the beginning of time

Or so the story goes
We all wonder
But no one really knows

Why?

February 15, 2022 0

Freedom

What is it to be free
Is it to think independently
To have lots of money
Buy anything you want
Own property
Be on the right side of the red line
To have status and credibility

Do we get it when we are wealthy
Or when we learn to set boundaries
Maybe it’s not blaming others
Taking personal responsibility
Over our lives
Or does it have to do with being happy
Certainly it’s not being right
It seems quiet hard to define

Is it the ability to leave the country
To sit quietly
And turn off the mind
Freedom of press
Openness to express
Our true selves
Not being confined

Is freedom movement
To exercise your ability
Move about the world freely
To seek whatever you want to find

Is it to make your own decisions
Perhaps it’s concerned with our rights
To speak and act
Think and move forward
Without looking back

Perhaps it means something different for everyone
A fluid state
A dance, an escape
From the system
That tells us what to do and think
Absence of foriegn control
The corrupt government
Pushing us to the brink
Of our humanity

Perhaps there’s levels of freedom
To be free mentally
Overcome your childhood
Trauma of your family
To be free physically
And have a healthy body
Participate in society

Free your mind
But how will we know when we find
We can have it and lose it a thousand times
To have freedom is to have power,
But what kind?

Freedom
Maybe it’s an instant feeling
Like flying
Or perhaps it’s gradual
Like a deep sigh after a long day
Simply just breathing
Allowing things to unfold
Knowing what to do or say
Without being told

We all seem to want freedom
But we don’t know how to find it
We can try to detach and let go
Yet we are still alive
We have wants and needs
To thrive and survive

We are so influenced by our society
This culture, this state
This idea of being free
Perhaps to talk about freedom is hypocrisy

Who made this word
This elusive idea
And what did they want it to be
How will we know
When we are free?

February 9, 2022 0

Maputo

I sit on the ledge
Waves lap at my feet
I’m content, yet not present
You’re always on my mind
So many things I’m searching for
I have yet to find

Tears fall for the things I want
A feeling that will never stay
I don’t believe in God
Otherwise I would pray
For you

I wonder where you are
I know I’m so far away
But I still care
More for you, than you care
For yourself right now

You are not well

I don’t know how to tell you
You need help
Yet you will not help yourself
There’s nothing I can do
But to care for myself

So I sit here
Wipe away my tears
Ten minutes feels like years
Smile in response to stares
Dodge potholes, centipedes
Try to fulfill all my needs
In a foreign place
I have so much space
So much time

I want to leave
But I don’t know where to go
Or how I’m supposed to know
Where to be

So the cool ocean breeze
Soothes me
And I make peace
With my tears
My fears of losing you
For I have so much to do

And so little control
I send my wish
Out to the sea
And breathe deeply
I keep walking
In Maputo
Eventually,
I’ll know where to go

February 8, 2022 0

Swipe Right

Swipe right if you like what you see
But you don’t really see me
How do you choose one
When you can always pick another
The next best thing is yet to come
With the next swipe
It’s never quite right

Welcome to the world of dreams
Where everyone seems perfect
Make yourself seem like the best version
Funny, smart, well worded
Always searching
But it’s hard to know what you really find
When talking to multiple people at the same time
We move so fast but this process is slow
It takes awhile to get to know
A person

I might have a nice profile
Witty answers
But I’m more than a few pictures
A blurb on an app
So many options
You can’t see my depth
Just a momentary snap
Of what I could be
Projected reality
But it’s not really me

I don’t want to play this game
I just want a real interaction
Quality time, depth, satisfaction
A connection
I don’t want superficial conversation
I’m not fulfilled by
Endless messaging
That doesn’t go anywhere
Don’t meet in person
There’s too many people to care
A waste of my time
What are we even doing on here
Just trying to feel better about ourselves?
Swipe right if you can tell
What you want

We all put up a front
It makes me feel wanted
And we all want to be wanted
But my progress is stunted
The more people I meet
The more I retreat
Into frustration
Everytime
The connection doesn’t going nowhere
Subsides
You vanish into thin air
I decide I don’t care
And delete it
But still I’m aware
That I want partnership
A relationship
And don’t know how to get it
So I resubscribe
And give it another try
Repeat

It’s madly impersonal
This can’t be the only way to meet people
Yet we all get sucked in
But I can’t tell who you are
From an app, social media
Send a like, match to begin
Yet a match means nothing
An illusion, a filter
Lack of depth
A filler of time
I can’t feel chemistry
Through a message
Shallow compliments
Yet when you get bored you resign
We don’t really give each other our time
But we are hoping to find
Something
The one

If the one exists
Perhaps the dating app is fixed
Maybe we’ve all been tricked
You can’t see my value
Even after meeting you
I’m still not sure
Yet the app is making money
Off my uncertainty
Try again
Swipe again
It’s a tease every time
We’ve been reduced to an image
A momentary decision
Of who we want to fuck
Increasing our luck
Everytime we swipe right

Dating has changed so much
The virtual game has just begun
It’s slightly mean
This sorting and swiping machine
Reducing a partner to a probability
The app controls who and what we see
But are we having fun?
The pandemic has made it impossible to talk to anyone
In person
We are no longer flirting
Afraid of hurting
Someone’s feelings
Swipe right if your seeing
Ghosting

Feigned interest
Mediocre at best
I just want some one to talk to
But I feel lost
Swiping through a maze of faces
Looking in all the wrong places

My energy is depleted
For I did not get what I needed
On Tinder, Bumble, Hinge
I Binge
On dating
Still waiting
Impatient

Enchanting disillusionment mixed with hopeful highs
We’re all playing games with each other’s lives
There’s no consolation prize
I’m starting to despise
Dating
Swipe right

December 6, 2021 0