Tag: Love OTHERS

Loss

I lost you
Before I even knew who you were
The memory is not real
But shaped by years without
The reality is a blur
Filled with doubt
The first pain I felt
The first blow I was dealt
Was grief
Disbelief

Who would you be today?
How different would my life be
If you had grown older loving me
You were my protector
My security
My father figure
You made everything better
With your presence

Sitting in your wood-paneled station wagon
I was too young to know what happened
I was left alone, without an explanation
Only an absence, an imagination
I imagined that you could see me
From somewhere out there
A child’s rationale of death, inconceivably

I imagined you knew all the bad things
Everything I had done
That you could see from the sky
Nothing now escaped your eyes
I couldn’t explain grief until I was older
Until I had words for these things
The feelings that loss brings

Grief comes at strange times
On the airplane, in checkout lines
At the DMV, when I’m empty
20 years later in therapy
It sneaks up on me

Maybe I grieve you all the time
Yet you are only a memory
A photograph I keep with me
A frog that jumps across my path
And I imagine that you see me
After all these years you laugh

Since you’re not here
I can make you anything I want
My loss grows flowers
I feel your love in the present

0

How Do You

How do you move through the world
When the world is against you
It will not admit it out loud
But will hint of injustice
In ways that you will feel
Yet will not be able to explain
It will make you question what is true
The pain will be your pain

How do you move through the world
When you are set up for failure
When you didn’t get the same
Amount of
Time
Love
Money
And you know it
Others know it too
But will not acknowledge
At least not to you
They pray for you to
Go to college
Work harder
Change
Deal with it
College doesn’t fix broken dreams
College doesn’t sew up the seams
Of unfairness, life’s cruelty
The heaviness of humanity
Resting laboriously
On certain beings

Others will not say
Not to your face
It will be talked about
You will be talked about
Not by name
Impersonally
Theoretically
Speculatively
In offices, in meetings, in expensive rooms
With catered dinners, stuffed pockets
Fancy watches, privelge
But nobody will do anything about it
Except you
It’s up to you

The makers of the problem
Will not offer a solution
But who created the problem?
How can you blame an institution?
The individual lingers
Behind corporate names
Government agendas
Money and fame
There are too many fingers
To point
Not enough to touch
To change

Help is offered
With things expected in return
Help is not free
It is not given willingly
Some people deserve things
Others only accept what help brings

Who decides who gets help
Help is a transaction
Not a gaurentee
Success is not equally distributed
Help is not equally distributed
Despite the need
The desperate plea

Acceptance
Prayer
Pity
It’s life, it’s just hard
You’ll survive

These words run marathons
Around dispair
By people trying to care
These words are easy to say
Smooth utterances of the fortunate
The card dealing
The ones in control
The lucky ones
Things are going thier way

How do you move through the world
When you don’t have a voice
When you can’t speak
When you don’t know what to say
To get what you want
And even if you said it
Wrote it all down
It would be in the wrong language
In the wrong font

Nobody will tell you the rules
You fumble around in the dark
Looking for tools
Finding only a spark
It’s not enough

How do you move through the world
When you’re invisible
When no one sees you
When no one cares
Eyes averted
When you are painfully aware
Of the feeling
Of it being unfair
Of the meaning
Not going anywhere

Empathy is not possible
Without knowing
A society of hostile
Feelings growing

How can you fix
What you’ve never experienced
What you don’t understand
The ones who have the power
Seem to have the better hand

And you
The one who never got to
What do you have planned?
Will you be able to demand
Something different

0

A Prayer

What is a prayer
A hopeful plea for someone to care
Something or someone
That’s bigger than everything else out there

A request for help
A feeling that we are in control
Softly pulling the invisible strings
Addressed to a God we cannot know
A mysterious force
Reliquished to the void
That manages all things

A comfort in a sea of insecurities
A negotiation for our impurities
A twisting of God’s arm
Despite the selfish nature of prayer
We mean no harm

We pray for our team to win
For something to remove our sins
For a clear day
For our sickness to go away
Prayers so deep and insignificant
Almost fully prepared to repent

A universal drawing of strings
A selected day to receive blessings
What of a prayer that helps one
And harms the rest
Some of are surely cursed
While the others are blessed
I suppose we are all just trying to do our best

Maybe I don’t know how to pray
I think I believe in something
But I don’t know what to say
To get what I want
To tip the Universe’s favor my way

I’ve tried with my eyes closed
Standing still, laying down
Walking around
Even on my knees, on the ground
If my prayers are heard
Who knows, who believes

I do know how to cry and sweat and scream
I do know how to fantasize and dream
I do know how to let go
I do know how to admit that I don’t know

Who do you pray to
Is there something special I have to do
I pray to the grass, to the sun
I scream my desires to the mountain
I forget my problems when I run
When to push myself to go far away
Just to make it through another day
When I swim in the ocean
Let the music and waves move me to fun
When I finally allow myself to play

Have you ever laid in the fresh summer grass
Let the sun beat down on your face
Beads of sweat rolling down
Knowing you will burn if you stay in that place
Not caring, letting the bugs crawl on your skin
Savoring the space, taking it in
The sweet smell of flowers, the summer season
Letting the clouds and time pass
To get up and begin again

Is that a prayer?

What do you pray for
Do you wish upon a star
Send a message to sea
To help you on your journey

You tell me to will pray for me
But I don’t want your prayers
I want kindness and empathy
Can you listen without a prayer
Listen to the Universe if you dare
Don’t offer a prayer of judgement
Don’t offer a prayer to have something to say
Your prayers won’t help me anyway

Is silence a prayer
Maybe awareness is the only thing out there
Have you ever sat for hours in meditation
So long you can feel your body, your hair
So long that your become intently aware
Of energy, of feeling, of the world that’s unfair

Have you ever run in the rain
Have you ever fully embraced your pain
Have you ever loved so deeply
That you will never be the same
Have you ever loved someone different from you
Proving our silly biases untrue

What will a prayer change?

There are billions of voices that must be heard
Hundreds of languages
In which prayers are offered
Certainly no one is favored
We are all trying to make it in this crazy world

Wether prayer is fact or fiction
Belief is the only thing that makes a difference
Claiming your space in this broad expanse
A belief that maybe you have a chance

If you believe it works then it is so
It doesn’t matter where your prayer will go
It doesn’t matter if it happens quick or slow
Keep praying so the world will know
You exist, you matter

0

Deserving

Deserve is a strange word
We need a reward for just being
All of our desires must be heard
By the Universe
Which should cater to our needs
Our purpose and meaning

But who gets what they want
Who is deserving
And who gets punishment
Does anyone deserve to be the brunt
Of the worlds cruelty?
The harsh divide between you and me?

Does everyone deserve to eat?
To have shelter and seek
Security, a better life
Who is deserving?

And who delivers this reward
It seems deciding who is hard
Can we make these decisions?
Without having all the information?

Who deserves land, territory
Who deserves to tell their story
Who deserves to be recognized
And who should be despised

Does anyone deserve war?
To have their hearts broken
Do some deserve more
Than others?

Is this something you manifest
Perhaps this is all a test
Of our humanity
Our willingness willing to give
To someone with less

To think about others
When it doesn’t benefit us
To accept what we have
And be more generous

Or do we think we are better than the rest
The less deserving
We are so self serving
Our entitlement will be our demise
Unless we become interested
In others lives

Others that are far away
That we haven’t met
That are separate
How easy it it to forget
We are all human

Who deserves to live
And who deserves to die?
We pretend we know
We think we are right

But our window is so small
Do the Gods respond to the prayers of all
Can everyone’s pleas be heard?
Do everyone’s dreams matter?
What do you deserve?

0

Lines

I stare at myself in the mirror
Expression lines
Creases
Crinkles
A story etched into my forehead
When did I get wrinkles?

I want them to leave
Exit immediately
I rub creams, oils, masks
Apply sunscreen desperately
I wonder if you see what I see
Instead of looking into my eyes
You are looking at my lines
Folds that tell you I’m getting old

Markers of my experience
My time
A life of stress and excitement
Hard decisions I’ve had to make
All the paths I’ve chosen to take
Repentance, glory, and sin
Worn on my skin
A face full of life
Seeking
A bottle of collagen
My youth has disappeared overnight

I stare back at them hard
I see every faint crease
Every mark
I run my hands over their indentation
Setting an intention
To love myself
I’m learning so slowly

I try hard not to move
My eyebrows, my eyes
Trying to improve
The situation
As if I keep still
They will reside
My forehead will smooth
Milky white

My perfection, my youth
Faintly slips away
I suppose these lines are here to stay
I find myself further inside
Tempted to hide
My flaws, my face
I think about Botox
Trying to erase the evidence

I embrace my age
I embrace my lines
Knowing my wrinkles
Don’t define my character
I want you to see my life
My old soul
And know that’s it’s full
My happiness shows through my crinkles
I smile deeply
Crows feet
Even though it creates
What I hate

I want to be this person
I want these lines
I want all of my experiences
My expressions, appearances
But I fear growing old
We’ve all been sold
An illusion of perpetual youth
Unflawed, non-reality
Smooth skin
And told it’s our duty
To look this way
I accept who I am in the mirror
I refuse to pay
These wrinkles are here to stay

And then with a start
I turn the off the lights
I can no longer see, only feel
My innermost self, beautiful
My lines disappear in the dark
My skin recedes
Blackness envelops me
And I become energy

0

Jamaica

I knew the moment you smiled at me
We locked eyes
And I returned your smile shyly
I’d see you again

You come back the next day
I lay on your table
Melting under your warm touch
You slowly undress
Caress and tease
I loll in the cool Jamaican breeze
You slip off my pants
Stroke my thighs
Invite me to dance
To the hum of the tides
In your personal yoga retreat
Massage therapy

I sneak out like a rebellious adolescent
Climbing the fence at night
Walk the wooden plank into your world
I don’t know where I am
I shouldn’t be here

You guide me through my fears
Gently grabbing my hand
We make love in your gym
A weight bench
A massage table
A parrot watching us with disapproval

You light up a joint
I lay basked in fluorescent nakedness
A foreigners bliss
A Jamaican fling
An accent so thick
I can’t understand a thing
A connection of the eyes
The smile is inviting

Your beautiful skin enticing
I caress your wounds
Unravel your stories
Your bullet holes and glories
Explore your past
Knowing this will not last
I make notes on your skin
Remembering
Etching into my story
Transient passion
Glorious sin

You drive me home at dawn
I pretend like I haven’t gone
Sneak in smiling
At my secret
The yoga retreat carries on
Yet your name creeps into my song
My experience

I’m in Jamaica for one more night
But I’ll remember that massage
For the rest of my life

0

Maputo

I sit on the ledge
Waves lap at my feet
I’m content, yet not present
You’re always on my mind
So many things I’m searching for
I have yet to find

Tears fall for the things I want
A feeling that will never stay
I don’t believe in God
Otherwise I would pray
For you

I wonder where you are
I know I’m so far away
But I still care
More for you, than you care
For yourself right now

You are not well

I don’t know how to tell you
You need help
Yet you will not help yourself
There’s nothing I can do
But to care for myself

So I sit here
Wipe away my tears
Ten minutes feels like years
Smile in response to stares
Dodge potholes, centipedes
Try to fulfill all my needs
In a foreign place
I have so much space
So much time

I want to leave
But I don’t know where to go
Or how I’m supposed to know
Where to be

So the cool ocean breeze
Soothes me
And I make peace
With my tears
My fears of losing you
For I have so much to do

And so little control
I send my wish
Out to the sea
And breathe deeply
I keep walking
In Maputo
Eventually,
I’ll know where to go

0

Left Behind

Freedom cannot be bought
It’s something you’re born with
But why do I have it
While you do not
Your natural birth order
Prevents you from crossing
An arbitrary border
You can’t see what I see
But you didn’t do anything
To be in that position
A passport is the key
But you can’t get one
It’s random luck
Unfortunately you’re stuck
In the place where you’ve always been
Without opportunity
Yet I feel deeply
You’re not different from me

You’ve shared your soul
Your humanity
Hopes, dreams, vibrant personality
I want to give what I have
To you purely
Not for charity
Because we are the same
We stand equality
Your life is valuable
I see you, feel you
I’m woven into your life
I want to move borders for you
Lines drawn on a napkin
Change your reality
The grand plan
But it’s not mine to change
And I don’t know how
I can’t explain
Why

Countries make decisions
About your life
Without ever knowing you
And seeing your vision
Your kindness and potential
Writing you off
Your a number
A statistic
Nothing special
Yet you are worthy
You transcend imagined borders
Civil wars and mindless orders
Viruses, variants, Trump supporters
Skin color and fear of the other
Your life means something to me
And you still smile warmly
From the other side
Despite all the things the world hurls at you
You still find
Hope

What is the value of a life
And who gets to decide
Who is worthy of freedom
And who gets left behind

0

Swipe Right

Swipe right if you like what you see
But you don’t really see me
How do you choose one
When you can always pick another
The next best thing is yet to come
With the next swipe
It’s never quite right

Welcome to the world of dreams
Where everyone seems perfect
Make yourself seem like the best version
Funny, smart, well worded
Always searching
But it’s hard to know what you really find
When talking to multiple people at the same time
We move so fast but this process is slow
It takes awhile to get to know
A person

I might have a nice profile
Witty answers
But I’m more than a few pictures
A blurb on an app
So many options
You can’t see my depth
Just a momentary snap
Of what I could be
Projected reality
But it’s not really me

I don’t want to play this game
I just want a real interaction
Quality time, depth, satisfaction
A connection
I don’t want superficial conversation
I’m not fulfilled by
Endless messaging
That doesn’t go anywhere
Don’t meet in person
There’s too many people to care
A waste of my time
What are we even doing on here
Just trying to feel better about ourselves?
Swipe right if you can tell
What you want

We all put up a front
It makes me feel wanted
And we all want to be wanted
But my progress is stunted
The more people I meet
The more I retreat
Into frustration
Everytime
The connection doesn’t going nowhere
Subsides
You vanish into thin air
I decide I don’t care
And delete it
But still I’m aware
That I want partnership
A relationship
And don’t know how to get it
So I resubscribe
And give it another try
Repeat

It’s madly impersonal
This can’t be the only way to meet people
Yet we all get sucked in
But I can’t tell who you are
From an app, social media
Send a like, match to begin
Yet a match means nothing
An illusion, a filter
Lack of depth
A filler of time
I can’t feel chemistry
Through a message
Shallow compliments
Yet when you get bored you resign
We don’t really give each other our time
But we are hoping to find
Something
The one

If the one exists
Perhaps the dating app is fixed
Maybe we’ve all been tricked
You can’t see my value
Even after meeting you
I’m still not sure
Yet the app is making money
Off my uncertainty
Try again
Swipe again
It’s a tease every time
We’ve been reduced to an image
A momentary decision
Of who we want to fuck
Increasing our luck
Everytime we swipe right

Dating has changed so much
The virtual game has just begun
It’s slightly mean
This sorting and swiping machine
Reducing a partner to a probability
The app controls who and what we see
But are we having fun?
The pandemic has made it impossible to talk to anyone
In person
We are no longer flirting
Afraid of hurting
Someone’s feelings
Swipe right if your seeing
Ghosting

Feigned interest
Mediocre at best
I just want some one to talk to
But I feel lost
Swiping through a maze of faces
Looking in all the wrong places


My energy is depleted
For I did not get what I needed
On Tinder, Bumble, Hinge
I Binge
On dating
Still waiting
Impatient

Enchanting disillusionment mixed with hopeful highs
We’re all playing games with each other’s lives
There’s no consolation prize
I’m starting to despise
Dating
Swipe right

0

Social Unawareness

You walk on your own streets,
Unaware of others needs.
You stop in the middle,
Causing the natural flow,
To fracture, to whittle.
Socially unaware,
It’s clear you don’t care,
About the people around you.

But how is it possible to be so blind?
How do you participate in life,
Always lost in your own mind.
Do you ever find,
Meaningful relationships.

I try to engage with you,
To pursue,
A conversation.
My life is interesting,
Yet you talk about nothing.
A compulsion to fill the silence.
And you don’t ask me questions.
But I must talk about myself too,
If I want to connect with you.
Yet the connection is not true,
A one side sided interaction,
You’re dancing with yourself.
You might as well be talking,
To animals at the zoo.
I’m no longer listening,
Reciprocating,
I’m a prisoner of your self-centered
Obsession.
You’re holding me hostage,
With your lack of intention.

I can sense that your incapable
Of being socially aware.
Thinking of others is rare.
We are all consumed by our own worlds,
But how do we get out of them?
Can social skills be taught?
You may be able to pass all the tests,
Yet this country is fraught,
With inattention, self-centeredness,
How do we get out of this mess?
Undo a lifetime of unawareness,
How do we learn to think about others,
And step out of ourselves.

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑