Tag: perseverance

How Do You

How do you move through the world
When the world is against you
It will not admit it out loud
But will hint of injustice
In ways that you will feel
Yet will not be able to explain
It will make you question what is true
The pain will be your pain

How do you move through the world
When you are set up for failure
When you didn’t get the same
Amount of
Time
Love
Money
And you know it
Others know it too
But will not acknowledge
At least not to you
They pray for you to
Go to college
Work harder
Change
Deal with it
College doesn’t fix broken dreams
College doesn’t sew up the seams
Of unfairness, life’s cruelty
The heaviness of humanity
Resting laboriously
On certain beings

Others will not say
Not to your face
It will be talked about
You will be talked about
Not by name
Impersonally
Theoretically
Speculatively
In offices, in meetings, in expensive rooms
With catered dinners, stuffed pockets
Fancy watches, privelge
But nobody will do anything about it
Except you
It’s up to you

The makers of the problem
Will not offer a solution
But who created the problem?
How can you blame an institution?
The individual lingers
Behind corporate names
Government agendas
Money and fame
There are too many fingers
To point
Not enough to touch
To change

Help is offered
With things expected in return
Help is not free
It is not given willingly
Some people deserve things
Others only accept what help brings

Who decides who gets help
Help is a transaction
Not a gaurentee
Success is not equally distributed
Help is not equally distributed
Despite the need
The desperate plea

Acceptance
Prayer
Pity
It’s life, it’s just hard
You’ll survive

These words run marathons
Around dispair
By people trying to care
These words are easy to say
Smooth utterances of the fortunate
The card dealing
The ones in control
The lucky ones
Things are going thier way

How do you move through the world
When you don’t have a voice
When you can’t speak
When you don’t know what to say
To get what you want
And even if you said it
Wrote it all down
It would be in the wrong language
In the wrong font

Nobody will tell you the rules
You fumble around in the dark
Looking for tools
Finding only a spark
It’s not enough

How do you move through the world
When you’re invisible
When no one sees you
When no one cares
Eyes averted
When you are painfully aware
Of the feeling
Of it being unfair
Of the meaning
Not going anywhere

Empathy is not possible
Without knowing
A society of hostile
Feelings growing

How can you fix
What you’ve never experienced
What you don’t understand
The ones who have the power
Seem to have the better hand

And you
The one who never got to
What do you have planned?
Will you be able to demand
Something different

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Uphill

There’s something about going deep into nature that reminds me – I can let go. I don’t have to hold on so tightly to all the things I want. I don’t have to know.

This journey is slow

I zigzag across the river, falling deeper into nature, not seeing a soul

The desolate wilderness makes me feel fear but also whole

I’m reminded that I’m so very vulnerable

I have so little control

I choose a path and try my best to follow

But it’s hard to know what to do

When the path is no longer working for you

Do I keep going and try to see it through

Or turn around and find something else to pursue

I suppose I must take my cue

From my inherent feeling

The universal dealings

That I don’t understand

I’d like to think there’s a plan

The more time I spend thinking

The less time I spend listening

I dig my head in the sand

I’m completely alone, on my path

But the butterflies dance around me

The silence settles, the leaves chime in

Allowing my awareness to expand

To be in solitude is not a punishment

But an opportunity to understand

That everything changes

Including the scape of the land

Life is a kalescope

Shaken by someone’s elses hand

The colors and patterns may not suit me

But they will reform

Changing patterns is the norm

I struggle uphill

Yet the struggle is inside still

I trudge up a mountain and wonder how

I’ll get through what I’m going through now

Despite the sweat, confusion, and tears

This journey could take years

I choose to be happy now

Despite my insistent fears

Knowing it will all workout somehow

I stop and take in the sounds of nature

The wind, birds, running water

And keep trudging, just a little softer

I climb, higher and higher

My outlook becomes a little brighter

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Holes

I am full of holes
A human sieve
Emotions pour through me
But they don’t stay
I am putty
I allow people to play
Mold my identity
Sometimes irresponsibly

There are holes in my soul
My experiences are vague
I can’t make sense of
Any feeling, any day
Nothing sticks
Everything flows through me
While time passes away

My mind is full of holes
Things that happened long ago
Morphed into memories
Blank spots
Illusions and stories
That I can’t show
Shape-shift and sway
In my conscious
They are close
But happening so far away

My body is full of holes
Incomplete
Fragments of humanity
People I meet
Everyone sees me
And experiences me differently

I must be careful
Not to fall in my holes
They like to hide
I don’t know their exact location
It’s hard to see when I’m inside
Their depth is immeasurable
Their deception penetrable

Old holes and new holes
Needing repair
How can I heal myself
When there are holes everywhere?

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Release

I release my deepest desires
Through my eyes
I still don’t have an answer
I still don’t know why
Must I always fill up my time
For it isn’t until I have space
That I can arrange and place
My feelings
My dreams unrealized
Quiet my mind

I’m a relationship with the Sun
I found the one
It’s bright and yellow
A handsome fellow
The trees whisper
Don’t be afraid
For I can’t listen
Until I’m silent
Until all the feelings have been flushed away
The pain sways with the breeze
I stomp my frustrations out
On the crunchy leaves
Nature restores my energy
Only then can I say
To the blue sky, the sun, the trees
I trust you

I trust you and I don’t understand
I had so many things planned
That didn’t happen
That I wanted to happen
I made demands
The Universe laughs gently
And they don’t land
I throw tantrums
But it’s all bigger than me
I can’t possibly see
Still I make more plans
It just happens
Like breathing
So easily

It’s not until I leave that I can see
My imagined plans and designs
And how it’s not aligned
It somehow makes sense in my mind
Yet I get so intertwined
That I can’t find the answers
Until I step away
My perspective changes
Life rearranges
My place looks different from far away
I can’t see myself fully in the space I usually stay

I feel lost I say to the trees
And they look back at me
You’re not lost, you just can’t see
I come back with fresh eyes
And realize
There are no answers
I must keep walking
Things will materialize
You’re not stuck
You just don’t know where you’re going
It will all unfold
Try not to hold
So tightly

Release your pain to me
I can take it
Say the leaves
Don’t do anything
Listen to me sing
All you have to do is breathe
The sun will never leave
Even when you can’t see
It’s just waiting patiently
Stay for awhile
I’ll make you smile
Trust me

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Letting Go / Smashed Avocado

I threw the salsa across the room
Smashed an avocado on the floor
Exploded a seltzer on the refrigerator door
I don’t understand what to do
And I don’t know what’s in store
For me
I can’t see a way through
So I take it out on my food
My anger falls on the groceries
On my clean white walls
After all
I can always get more

But my anger is just fear
I’m afraid of not getting what I want
The only one who can see
My tantrum is my apartment
My secrets are reflected in the windows
I cannot hide from what’s inside
It comes out eventually

Staring at the chunks of tomato on the ground
I feel heavy and still haven’t found
An answer
I turn it over again and again
My frustration bubbles up
And spills out all over my kitchen
It feels like I can’t win
Judge me all you want
But throwing food is not a sin

Smeared avocado on the hard wood
Creamy green
Laughs at me
My irrational actions
Immaturity

Wasted groceries
Money can’t buy me what I want
My smashed food
Destroyed unnecessary
Puddles reflect my unmet needs
Unsatisfactory

So easy to make a mess
Takes so little time
But cleaning up is a procees
Picking up the pieces is
Unglamorous
I won’t share my un-success
I’m embarrassed by my regress
By my silly actions
My tainted floor
Unrealized passions
I always want more

But somehow I feel better
Pressure released
Broken glass
Dreams smashed
This feeling will pass
Nothing lasts
I let my mess sit for awhile
Maybe the universe will see
And smile favourably, take pity

I still bargain with something I don’t believe in
Momentarily
Looking for a reason
Letting go is not easy

Maybe we all take it out on something else
Other people, driving, food, exercise
We are all trying to get by
Do whatever helps
You deal and survive
With life

Maybe letting go is like a smashed avocado
Guacamole on the floor
I don’t know what this struggle is for
It feels like everything is falling apart
Perhaps it’s a new start
My expectations explode and resettle
And then I explore
Something better

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Willow

I will hide inside of you,

And make my home in your leaves. 

I’m safe here, 

Protected, sheltered. 

Your branches are my shield,

They hang down, 

Wrap around, 

My fear and insecurities. 

And I can always count on the trees,

To hide and protect me. 

I wrap myself around the willows, 

The earth is my bed, the roots are my pillows. 

I’ll stay here, beneath the willow tree. 

Until I have a better place to be.  

Your roots go so deep, 

Flexibility. 

Yet your leaves sway so gently.

I want to be like you,

To move so elegantly,

And stand firm, 

In the face of uncertainty. 

In some ways I’m eternally a child,

Trying to be, 

An adult, confident, commanding, free.

But I’m still dreaming and playing, 

Underneath the willow tree.

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Love

I stand in a sea of mountains, 

And ask, 

Why have I been trying to make you love me? 

Love either is or is not. 

How silly of you to think you can create something out of nothing. 

It was already here, 

This love, 

You just had to find it, 

Within yourself. 

I am the giver and the feeler of love. 

Float in me, 

I’ve always been here. 

You just had to swim out of the darkness, 

So you can feel.

Give and receive. 

Love.

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Growth


This feedback loop always comes back to me. 


A spotlight on all I’ve done wrong. 


But I’ve shined it on myself, 


I internalize, you externalize. 


All fingers point in my direction. 


It’s obvious this doesn’t work. 


But you can’t see it, 


I absorb your criticism. 


Silently. 


I melt, shift, adjust, trying to make it work. 


I can take it. 


Do I want partnership more than peace of mind? 


The relationship with myself suffers, 


An internal battle, 


Waging war in my mind. 


It’s close, but it’s not right. 


I cannot make something right when it’s not. 


I retreat back into myself, 


Walk away. 


I learn so slowly, 


What love feels like, looks like, sounds like. 


You say I’ll know when I find it. 


First I must find it within myself. 


Practice.


You tell me the relationship with myself is most important. 


But I want something I’ve never had before. 


Change happens slowly, 


I’m impatient. 


But I wait, both happily and unhappily


At the same time. 


I transform, 


And somehow believe


I will manifest what I want. 


I doubt myself, 


I always have. 


My thoughts are my guide and my enemy at the same time. 


It’s just that I can’t fight the enemy on my own,


It’s inside me. 


So I pour my soul out to you, 


And I trust you. 


I need you, 


And I know that to get what I want


I must do something different. 


And I’m willing to be uncomfortable. 


For without growth,


My soul will die. 


Life is precious,


Cherish it. 


Even the parts that hurt. 

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I Think I Can

What did I get myself into? How did I end up here? Providence, Rhode Island. Brown. Reoccurring thoughts cart-wheel through my busy mind as I kick up crispy orange/yellow leaves scattered about the old New England campus. The truth is – it’s hard. I’m struggling. When I’m having a hard time, I don’t write. Because what if you knew that I doubted myself? That I questioned if I’m smart enough and capable enough to be here? Maybe I am if I believe I am. Some days I do and others I don’t, but I show up anyway. Continue reading “I Think I Can” →

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The Road to Providence

What a strange feeling to have an unfamiliar home. To unpack all your worldly belongings in a space you’ve just seen, and call it home. I’ve had this idea I’ve nurtured for a year, plans I’ve made, a picture I once saw from a thousand miles away, and accepted as my future home. I’ve unpacked all the pieces of me as quickly as I could, as if the faster this unfamiliar space becomes adorned with my belongings, the swifter I’ll adjust and become comfortable. That’s not how this works you know, can’t fool a pro – I’ve done this before. Comfort, along with familiarity comes with time, the former is fleeting, the later lingers, mutates, and can remain in some ways even for a lifetime. Continue reading “The Road to Providence” →

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