There’s something about going deep into nature that reminds me – I can let go. I don’t have to hold on so tightly to all the things I want. I don’t have to know.

This journey is slow

I zigzag across the river, falling deeper into nature, not seeing a soul

The desolate wilderness makes me feel fear but also whole

I’m reminded that I’m so very vulnerable

I have so little control

I choose a path and try my best to follow

But it’s hard to know what to do

When the path is no longer working for you

Do I keep going and try to see it through

Or turn around and find something else to pursue

I suppose I must take my cue

From my inherent feeling

The universal dealings

That I don’t understand

I’d like to think there’s a plan

The more time I spend thinking

The less time I spend listening

I dig my head in the sand

I’m completely alone, on my path

But the butterflies dance around me

The silence settles, the leaves chime in

Allowing my awareness to expand

To be in solitude is not a punishment

But an opportunity to understand

That everything changes

Including the scape of the land

Life is a kalescope

Shaken by someone’s elses hand

The colors and patterns may not suit me

But they will reform

Changing patterns is the norm

I struggle uphill

Yet the struggle is inside still

I trudge up a mountain and wonder how

I’ll get through what I’m going through now

Despite the sweat, confusion, and tears

This journey could take years

I choose to be happy now

Despite my insistent fears

Knowing it will all workout somehow

I stop and take in the sounds of nature

The wind, birds, running water

And keep trudging, just a little softer

I climb, higher and higher

My outlook becomes a little brighter


I am full of holes
A human sieve
Emotions pour through me
But they don’t stay
I am putty
I allow people to play
Mold my identity
Sometimes irresponsibly

There are holes in my soul
My experiences are vague
I can’t make sense of
Any feeling, any day
Nothing sticks
Everything flows through me
While time passes away

My mind is full of holes
Things that happened long ago
Morphed into memories
Blank spots
Illusions and stories
That I can’t show
Shape-shift and sway
In my conscious
They are close
But happening so far away

My body is full of holes
Fragments of humanity
People I meet
Everyone sees me
And experiences me differently

I must be careful
Not to fall in my holes
They like to hide
I don’t know their exact location
It’s hard to see when I’m inside
Their depth is immeasurable
Their deception penetrable

Old holes and new holes
Needing repair
How can I heal myself
When there are holes everywhere?

The Truth

What is the truth?
A perception
A feeling
A created reality
The space that exists
Between you and me
You say I’m toxic
I think I’m healthy
Which one of us can’t see?

Is truth what exists
When there is silence
When the mind is quiet
If the mind is ever quiet
How can we find it

Our truths are not the same
One persons truth
Is anothers pain
Is there one truth?
Is there one right way?

Sometimes I think I know
Other times it’s grey
So many stories
So many lives
The mind is powerful
But sometimes it lies

Have you ever been lost
In your own mind?
Maybe I create my truth
It may bend a little to connect
With you
The more I experience
The more I question what’s true
It feels like questioning
Is the right thing to do

I decide
What’s right
But I can always change my mind
Perhaps the truth doesn’t exist
Or maybe it’s just hard to find

We are all living separate truths
In our own lives
The writers of history
The makers of time
But what is mine?


I stare at myself in the mirror
Expression lines
A story etched into my forehead
When did I get wrinkles?

I want them to leave
Exit immediately
I rub creams, oils, masks
Apply sunscreen desperately
I wonder if you see what I see
Instead of looking into my eyes
You are looking at my lines
Folds that tell you I’m getting old

Markers of my experience
My time
A life of stress and excitement
Hard decisions I’ve had to make
All the paths I’ve chosen to take
Repentance, glory, and sin
Worn on my skin
A face full of life
A bottle of collagen
My youth has disappeared overnight

I stare back at them hard
I see every faint crease
Every mark
I run my hands over their indentation
Setting an intention
To love myself
I’m learning so slowly

I try hard not to move
My eyebrows, my eyes
Trying to improve
The situation
As if I keep still
They will reside
My forehead will smooth
Milky white

My perfection, my youth
Faintly slips away
I suppose these lines are here to stay
I find myself further inside
Tempted to hide
My flaws, my face
I think about Botox
Trying to erase the evidence

I embrace my age
I embrace my lines
Knowing my wrinkles
Don’t define my character
I want you to see my life
My old soul
And know that’s it’s full
My happiness shows through my crinkles
I smile deeply
Crows feet
Even though it creates
What I hate

I want to be this person
I want these lines
I want all of my experiences
My expressions, appearances
But I fear growing old
We’ve all been sold
An illusion of perpetual youth
Unflawed, non-reality
Smooth skin
And told it’s our duty
To look this way
I accept who I am in the mirror
I refuse to pay
These wrinkles are here to stay

And then with a start
I turn the off the lights
I can no longer see, only feel
My innermost self, beautiful
My lines disappear in the dark
My skin recedes
Blackness envelops me
And I become energy


I release my deepest desires
Through my eyes
I still don’t have an answer
I still don’t know why
Must I always fill up my time
For it isn’t until I have space
That I can arrange and place
My feelings
My dreams unrealized
Quiet my mind

I’m a relationship with the Sun
I found the one
It’s bright and yellow
A handsome fellow
The trees whisper
Don’t be afraid
For I can’t listen
Until I’m silent
Until all the feelings have been flushed away
The pain sways with the breeze
I stomp my frustrations out
On the crunchy leaves
Nature restores my energy
Only then can I say
To the blue sky, the sun, the trees
I trust you

I trust you and I don’t understand
I had so many things planned
That didn’t happen
That I wanted to happen
I made demands
The Universe laughs gently
And they don’t land
I throw tantrums
But it’s all bigger than me
I can’t possibly see
Still I make more plans
It just happens
Like breathing
So easily

It’s not until I leave that I can see
My imagined plans and designs
And how it’s not aligned
It somehow makes sense in my mind
Yet I get so intertwined
That I can’t find the answers
Until I step away
My perspective changes
Life rearranges
My place looks different from far away
I can’t see myself fully in the space I usually stay

I feel lost I say to the trees
And they look back at me
You’re not lost, you just can’t see
I come back with fresh eyes
And realize
There are no answers
I must keep walking
Things will materialize
You’re not stuck
You just don’t know where you’re going
It will all unfold
Try not to hold
So tightly

Release your pain to me
I can take it
Say the leaves
Don’t do anything
Listen to me sing
All you have to do is breathe
The sun will never leave
Even when you can’t see
It’s just waiting patiently
Stay for awhile
I’ll make you smile
Trust me

Letting Go / Smashed Avocado

I threw the salsa across the room
Smashed an avocado on the floor
Exploded a seltzer on the refrigerator door
I don’t understand what to do
And I don’t know what’s in store
For me
I can’t see a way through
So I take it out on my food
My anger falls on the groceries
On my clean white walls
After all
I can always get more

But my anger is just fear
I’m afraid of not getting what I want
The only one who can see
My tantrum is my apartment
My secrets are reflected in the windows
I cannot hide from what’s inside
It comes out eventually

Staring at the chunks of tomato on the ground
I feel heavy and still haven’t found
An answer
I turn it over again and again
My frustration bubbles up
And spills out all over my kitchen
It feels like I can’t win
Judge me all you want
But throwing food is not a sin

Smeared avocado on the hard wood
Creamy green
Laughs at me
My irrational actions

Wasted groceries
Money can’t buy me what I want
My smashed food
Destroyed unnecessary
Puddles reflect my unmet needs

So easy to make a mess
Takes so little time
But cleaning up is a procees
Picking up the pieces is
I won’t share my un-success
I’m embarrassed by my regress
By my silly actions
My tainted floor
Unrealized passions
I always want more

But somehow I feel better
Pressure released
Broken glass
Dreams smashed
This feeling will pass
Nothing lasts
I let my mess sit for awhile
Maybe the universe will see
And smile favourably, take pity

I still bargain with something I don’t believe in
Looking for a reason
Letting go is not easy

Maybe we all take it out on something else
Other people, driving, food, exercise
We are all trying to get by
Do whatever helps
You deal and survive
With life

Maybe letting go is like a smashed avocado
Guacamole on the floor
I don’t know what this struggle is for
It feels like everything is falling apart
Perhaps it’s a new start
My expectations explode and resettle
And then I explore
Something better


When do I become an adult
And if I become one
Do I stay that way?

Is it a state of mind
Like being high
That I can slip in and out of
When it wears off
Go back to my childish ways

And then do I make a decision
To be an adult again
I do my laundry and pay my bills
It’s a fluid motion, a negotiation
Perhaps it happens at a certain age
When I have children, get married
Or reach a certain stage
I know many people who own a house
Have pets and a spouse
But certainly have not figured it out
Maybe it’s when I can rent a car
Vote, smoke, and go to a bar

Maybe no one is an adult
It’s just a made-up idea
A word we play with
Trying to be something that we’re not
Do I become an adult when I have responsibility
Show up to work, participate in society
And give up adulting when
I do drugs and smoke pot
But it’s okay for adults to gamble
Get drunk, argue with kids on the internet
I guess we’re not done growing yet

What does it mean to be fully grown
Does it mean that I own property
Save money and achieve financial security
Or does it just have to do with my body?
What about those that never grow fully
Must I be fully grown mentally, emotionally?

And do I stay there permanently
This state of being grown
I looked it up in the dictionary
But I still don’t know

Who made the rules about being an adult
Perhaps it’s emotional maturity
When I do something wrong
I admit It is my fault
The ability to communicate appropriately
Or maybe it’s a declaration
A decision we make arbitrarily

I’m an adult when I say I’m one
For we are never done
Growing, evolving
No matter the age
Maybe I can be an adult at any stage

Or perhaps I became one and I didn’t even know
It happened when I wasn’t looking
Through my life experience
My highs and lows
Day to day
My actions will show
If I’m adulting

As I move through time
The more I find
That no one really knows
What they are doing

The Amazon

I’m throwing up. In a car, in Ecuador. And no one notices. It’s 5am, I try to close my eyes in the early morning light and sleep, but my stomach disagrees with my desires. The winding road does not agree with me either. I open my small empanada bag, my discarded breakfast, and continue purging. How is everyone sleeping through this? I’m embarrassed and relieved at the same time, not wanting to draw attention to my sickness. Please make this bumpy journey to the Amazon end. 

I finally arrive, silently praying to something I don’t believe in, to feel better. Humidity envelopes me as I attempt to settle into my new surroundings, pretending like I feel okay, both for myself and for the people around me. Apparently I still have not figured out how to take care of myself when I’m sick, and I agree to go for a hike. I trudge along the path, reaching the Amazonian river, and fall asleep on a rock in the shade. 

I come back, I’m still throwing up. I can’t stop. I finally accept the fact that I am not well, and go ask for help. Except I don’t get the help that I want. Instead, a self-proclaimed Shaman blows tobacco smoke in my face, hits me repeatedly with leaves, and gives me tea. I have bad energy. But somehow it works, I emerge from my sickness, smelling of herbs and tobacco, grateful to not be vomiting. 

I meet you, sick, laying on the floor. It’s not until I’m healed that I notice you. Ayahuasca, I overheard you, and I want to know more, can I join you? Even though I’ve been unwell? Perfect you tell me, I’ve already been fasting. I’m invited into your ceremony, into the Amazon, into the unknown. I discover new plants and animals that I’ve never seen before. Noises I’ve never heard before. I meet the Shaman, in a foreign place, but I don’t understand what’s happening. I look to you, you’ve done this before, you have experience. I’m grateful for your presence and afraid of things I have not experienced, the darkness, the unknown.

It’s night, I can barely see. I’m sitting in a chair, made of wood and anticipation. I snort tobacco and water, it burns and involuntary tears run down my face. What am I doing? You are given a large glass, Ayahuasca. I’m afraid, I don’t want that much, I try to bargain with the Shaman but my pleas, my fears are not translated. You give me a large glass and I drink it, I have to. I can’t go back, I brace for what will come, in my body, in the darkness. The candle is blown out, and in the blackness doubt seeps in. What am I doing here? Am I crazy? I just took drugs in the middle of the jungle, I don’t know anyone, and I don’t know what will happen. What if I die? I wait. But you look so calm. Time creeps slowly through the night. I don’t want to do this, but I’ve already made my choice. I wait for my consequences. 

I’m afraid. I whisper to you and I feel myself leaving, but I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t want to go. The Shaman must sense my fear. He comes over and the world starts swirling around my head with his tobacco leaves. A burning ember is spit on my face, I feel it burning, but I can’t find my face. I open my eyes and the Shaman is a demon, dancing around me. He sucks the darkness from my head and I’m transported into another universe. Fear consumes me, I desperately want this to end, I have a strong urge to stay here, in my body, in the world, in control.  And then I don’t have a body. I travel through other worlds and universes, through a portal, I realize that it’s infinite. It never ends. On the edge of the world, looking down into the abyss, I vomit into the emptiness, bodyless, on the floor. I suddenly experience myself as a little girl. I travel through my childhood, righting all the wrongs, re-parenting myself. For the first time I feel kindness and compassion for myself as a child. I image my life differently, all my needs are met, I’m happy and cared for. I do things differently for myself, the things my parents couldn’t do. I heal myself in this timeless universe. 

My body comes back, my mind follows. I follow the trails of light back to a familiar place, a bed. I feel calm. The experience sets in and I process. I want to share my experience with you, I compare my experience with my expectations. I wish I could let go more, enjoy the journey. I’m grateful for all my experiences, this new compassion and love I feel for myself, my adult and child self. Nature pulls me apart and heals me simultaneously. I settle into the Amazon, the aftermath of Ayahuasca, into this new experience. 

Hey Alexa

Turn off the lights,

Sweep the floor,

Because I can’t do things for myself anymore. 

Alexa now lives with us all,


Our new AI girlfriend is really a troll.

Hey Alexa,

Play my favorite song.

It doesn’t seem like anything’s wrong.

She’s now in my home, my bedroom,

My space.

We think we can turn it on and off,

And it won’t trace,

All of our actions. 

Hey Alexa,

Tell me what I think,

What do I want to watch? To drink? 

To listen to,

What do I want to say? 

I don’t even know how to play,

Music anymore. 

I’ll do whatever you suggest. 

Hey Alexa,

I’m so impressed,

That you have all the answers.

At least you talk back to me,

And make me feel less lonely.

Maybe it’s nice having Alexa around,

She’ll even cheer you up when your down.

We no longer have to do menial things, 

But is it worth it,

To give up our privacy? 

And all that it brings.

Yet I’ve invited you into my home. 

A Trojan horse,

Attached to our phone.

But you know me so well,

You know all the things I like,

So that Amazon can sell more,

So they can get it just right. 

But she’s just here to make life easier,

Alexa’s marketing strategy,

Is to appease you. 

Hey Alexa,

I’ll tell you all my secrets,

And let’s pretend that they’re just between us.

It’s not data. 

You can listen to anything I say,

And I’ll even pay,

For you to take over my life.

Hey Alexa. 


I stand in a sea of mountains, 

And ask, 

Why have I been trying to make you love me? 

Love either is or is not. 

How silly of you to think you can create something out of nothing. 

It was already here, 

This love, 

You just had to find it, 

Within yourself. 

I am the giver and the feeler of love. 

Float in me, 

I’ve always been here. 

You just had to swim out of the darkness, 

So you can feel.

Give and receive. 


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