Green Eyes

My eyes are jade daggers, light dancing

Reflections of sadness and all things felt but not said

A portal into my soul

Dimension and color that morphs with tears

My eyes say all the things words cannot

They speak every language and understand every emotion

They smile 

My beauty is not external, but internal and you can only access it through my olive eyes 

Words are finite

Don’t look at me, look into me 

My green light shines on you

Only here can I share, my power, pain, my experience, my light 

My eyes wander

I weep freely 

Dancing in emotion, healing

I close my eyes 

And in the shapes and patterns

I see myself for the first time

Growth


This feedback loop always comes back to me. 


A spotlight on all I’ve done wrong. 


But I’ve shined it on myself, 


I internalize, you externalize. 


All fingers point in my direction. 


It’s obvious this doesn’t work. 


But you can’t see it, 


I absorb your criticism. 


Silently. 


I melt, shift, adjust, trying to make it work. 


I can take it. 


Do I want partnership more than peace of mind? 


The relationship with myself suffers, 


An internal battle, 


Waging war in my mind. 


It’s close, but it’s not right. 


I cannot make something right when it’s not. 


I retreat back into myself, 


Walk away. 


I learn so slowly, 


What love feels like, looks like, sounds like. 


You say I’ll know when I find it. 


First I must find it within myself. 


Practice.


You tell me the relationship with myself is most important. 


But I want something I’ve never had before. 


Change happens slowly, 


I’m impatient. 


But I wait, both happily and unhappily


At the same time. 


I transform, 


And somehow believe


I will manifest what I want. 


I doubt myself, 


I always have. 


My thoughts are my guide and my enemy at the same time. 


It’s just that I can’t fight the enemy on my own,


It’s inside me. 


So I pour my soul out to you, 


And I trust you. 


I need you, 


And I know that to get what I want


I must do something different. 


And I’m willing to be uncomfortable. 


For without growth,


My soul will die. 


Life is precious,


Cherish it. 


Even the parts that hurt. 

Invisible

You can’t see me. 

Yet you walk towards me, tell me I’m beautiful, interesting. It only lasts for a minute. This is all you can muster, this moment of interest, effort. Once I reciprocate you stop, you swallow up my kindness, my care, endless compliments and affection. You dissolve in my generosity. 

But I bathe in your desire. I sink deep into being wanted, adored. 

I hide behind this face, my smile, my cool, composed facade. I’m different, not like other girls. Still I don’t get what I want.

I don’t want to change you. I want to change myself, but it’s hard. I want to choose something different, but I keep falling into the same old worn pattern. Do I choose it or does it choose me?

Change is a long slow process. I feel uncomfortable and the feeling passes. But is it different? Have I changed?

I want something, but I don’t know how to get it. 

I heal so slowly.  

I settle for chemistry, your gentle caress feels like love but it’s just sex, raw desire, physical energy. It has to be enough for this moment. My mind knows this, but my spirit does not. I fight with myself, but you don’t see a thing.

It’s just that I’m invisible. My deepest desires cannot be seen.

Only felt, by me.  

I don’t dare tell you what I want. 

It’s a trick. I tricked myself. I lost myself in the silence and forgot this is not what I wanted. I tricked you into thinking I that didn’t care, I’ll settle for this. I tricked myself into thinking that not talking about it is somehow better.

So I make myself invisible, my true desire dies in my silence. 

To get what I want, do I have to give up this silence? 

I dive into the unknown. Again. 

Maybe it will be different this time, I won’t respond. I won’t seek out what hurts me.

Maybe I’ll stop asking you for something you can’t give me. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with me. 

Maybe when I ask for what I need I’ll become visible. 

To the right person. 

I reclaim my energy. 

Over and over again. 

But then I realize,

It’s not you that I want. I just want to seen; to be wanted.

Vipassana

Vipassana – to see things as they really are.

I sit on a cushion in a low lit room with my eyes closed. My whole body tingles and I am weightless, completely unaware of the outside world, and even the other 30 something people sitting around me. What am I feeling? Change. Everything changes, constantly. I feel the particles my body is made up of change every second, my thoughts change, my feelings change. Non attachment and equanimity is what I’m seeking. Equanimity with every sensation I feel, not attaching to it, not avoiding it. Continue reading “Vipassana”

Coach Me, Please

I recently discovered life coaching, or executive coaching. More than discovered it actually, I’m in a life coaching class! It’s a concept or resource for high functioning and healthy people to develop further in specific areas, with a focus on professional skills and some personal as well. Step one, life coach should have a certification and training to go through this process with a client. Continue reading “Coach Me, Please”

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