Stories and poetry from an overly-curious traveler. Stories shape the way I see the world, and I want to share my stories with you.
Hello all,
Thank you for your encouragement and support for my writing. I wrote and published a book of poetry recently.
Please check it out on Barnes and Noble or Amazon 🙂
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/a-house-of-empty-spaces-julie-sequoia-webb/1142852123
With gratitude,
Julie
There’s something about going deep into nature that reminds me – I can let go. I don’t have to hold on so tightly to all the things I want. I don’t have to know.
This journey is slow
I zigzag across the river, falling deeper into nature, not seeing a soul
The desolate wilderness makes me feel fear but also whole
I’m reminded that I’m so very vulnerable
I have so little control
I choose a path and try my best to follow
But it’s hard to know what to do
When the path is no longer working for you
Do I keep going and try to see it through
Or turn around and find something else to pursue
I suppose I must take my cue
From my inherent feeling
The universal dealings
That I don’t understand
I’d like to think there’s a plan
The more time I spend thinking
The less time I spend listening
I dig my head in the sand
I’m completely alone, on my path
But the butterflies dance around me
The silence settles, the leaves chime in
Allowing my awareness to expand
To be in solitude is not a punishment
But an opportunity to understand
That everything changes
Including the scape of the land
Life is a kalescope
Shaken by someone’s elses hand
The colors and patterns may not suit me
But they will reform
Changing patterns is the norm
I struggle uphill
Yet the struggle is inside still
I trudge up a mountain and wonder how
I’ll get through what I’m going through now
Despite the sweat, confusion, and tears
This journey could take years
I choose to be happy now
Despite my insistent fears
Knowing it will all workout somehow
I stop and take in the sounds of nature
The wind, birds, running water
And keep trudging, just a little softer
I climb, higher and higher
My outlook becomes a little brighter
Your mind is a traitor that has betrayed you
It has left behind a body
But stolen your personality
Your ability to have a conversation
Your presence is here
Although not really
We all pretend like you are the same
What you have created still stands
Surrounded by your family
Reminiscing about who you used to be
Your wisdom and generosity
I found you a different person
Robbed of your energy
Greif with a side of dementia
To remember again
To be reminded again
Just to go back into that far away world
The fuzzy place of your childhood
A false memory that does no good
You look at me with blank eyes
Not seeing me
And ask where your soul is
Where he is
What can I say
Nothing I say can make it better
I don’t want to remind you
You know he is not here
Your heart breaks over and over
Every time you ask
There are no words for this
I’ll hold your hand through the fear
I’ll stay by your side during the loss
There’s an empty chair
And empty bed
Empty after sixty nine years
A house full, but empty at the same time
A table with the centerpiece missing
A room devoid of pictures and light
You can feel that something is different
But can’t place it, can’t explain it
There’s a void next to you every night
The walls have shifted
A desolate wilderness is left behind
You are alone in the desert
An arid land with no reprieve
Trying to find him
You are looking for water
He was your oasis
And has dried up, disappeared
The world has turned upside down
You don’t know where your place is
Your spirit left with him
Your love of so long
I can see it in your eyes
You have already gone
You stuck to me like a band aid
The colorful one
That you put on sometimes
Just for fun
Giving my days a rosy hue
I’ll dig through
All my cluttered bags
For you
Soothing my wounds
Yet you leave a residue
When I tried to take you off
So I decided to keep you
An extra layer
I try to make belong
A charismatic plaster
Always in the midst of some disaster
Creating wounds
And dressing them up
An illusion that they’ll heal faster
A band aid
Covering my fears
But you never expose yours
Non absorbent
Deflecting my tears
You always disappear
A dreamer
Who doesn’t do
Eating up my time
Always making it about you
Talking yourself through
A band aid that has no depth
Adhesive worn thin
It only lasts for a few hours
You always leave, hide
Evade my deepest desires
When I need you
I’ve taken you off so many times
And walked away
My emotions sway
But you sneak back in
Enough time
Allows you to play
Tricks on my mind
The one that got away
Is easy to say
Every time your efforts
Had a delay
It’s much harder to show up
To be the one willing to stay
A dirty band aid
On the floor
You’ve been ripped off too many times
I can’t make you stick
Anymore
I am full of holes
A human sieve
Emotions pour through me
But they don’t stay
I am putty
I allow people to play
Mold my identity
Sometimes irresponsibly
There are holes in my soul
My experiences are vague
I can’t make sense of
Any feeling, any day
Nothing sticks
Everything flows through me
While time passes away
My mind is full of holes
Things that happened long ago
Morphed into memories
Blank spots
Illusions and stories
That I can’t show
Shape-shift and sway
In my conscious
They are close
But happening so far away
My body is full of holes
Incomplete
Fragments of humanity
People I meet
Everyone sees me
And experiences me differently
I must be careful
Not to fall in my holes
They like to hide
I don’t know their exact location
It’s hard to see when I’m inside
Their depth is immeasurable
Their deception penetrable
Old holes and new holes
Needing repair
How can I heal myself
When there are holes everywhere?
Deserve is a strange word
We need a reward for just being
All of our desires must be heard
By the Universe
Which should cater to our needs
Our purpose and meaning
But who gets what they want
Who is deserving
And who gets punishment
Does anyone deserve to be the brunt
Of the worlds cruelty?
The harsh divide between you and me?
Does everyone deserve to eat?
To have shelter and seek
Security, a better life
Who is deserving?
And who delivers this reward
It seems deciding who is hard
Can we make these decisions?
Without having all the information?
Who deserves land, territory
Who deserves to tell their story
Who deserves to be recognized
And who should be despised
Does anyone deserve war?
To have their hearts broken
Do some deserve more
Than others?
Is this something you manifest
Perhaps this is all a test
Of our humanity
Our willingness willing to give
To someone with less
To think about others
When it doesn’t benefit us
To accept what we have
And be more generous
Or do we think we are better than the rest
The less deserving
We are so self serving
Our entitlement will be our demise
Unless we become interested
In others lives
Others that are far away
That we haven’t met
That are separate
How easy it it to forget
We are all human
Who deserves to live
And who deserves to die?
We pretend we know
We think we are right
But our window is so small
Do the Gods respond to the prayers of all
Can everyone’s pleas be heard?
Do everyone’s dreams matter?
What do you deserve?
What is the truth?
A perception
A feeling
A created reality
The space that exists
Between you and me
You say I’m toxic
I think I’m healthy
Which one of us can’t see?
Is truth what exists
When there is silence
When the mind is quiet
If the mind is ever quiet
How can we find it
Our truths are not the same
One persons truth
Is anothers pain
Is there one truth?
Is there one right way?
Sometimes I think I know
Other times it’s grey
So many stories
So many lives
The mind is powerful
But sometimes it lies
Have you ever been lost
In your own mind?
Maybe I create my truth
It may bend a little to connect
With you
The more I experience
The more I question what’s true
It feels like questioning
Is the right thing to do
I decide
What’s right
But I can always change my mind
Perhaps the truth doesn’t exist
Or maybe it’s just hard to find
We are all living separate truths
In our own lives
The writers of history
The makers of time
But what is mine?
I sat down in meditation
And lost myself
My mind went on vacation
My body started to hum
Full of vibration
And I turned into
A ball of cotton
Fluffy and white
Wispy
Floating free
Without a body
My normal life has been forgotten
An open window
A gentle breeze
Causes the slightest movement
Weightless and free
It shifts me slightly
Off my cushion
I roll and float
Through the mediation
Across the floor
Over the mat
Nothing to stop me
No coming back
All eyes are closed
I float undetected
A cotton ball is not suspected
I brush by a cheek
But all is still
The wind dances through me
A force of will
And then with a gust
I blow away
Float up into the sky
I leave without acknowledgement
Without a goodbye
I’m carried into the big blue
The infinite
I float so high
The wind is my guide
I exist up here
There’s no fear
A light ball of energy
There is no me
No space and time
Just a ball of cotton
Floating by
I stare at myself in the mirror
Expression lines
Creases
Crinkles
A story etched into my forehead
When did I get wrinkles?
I want them to leave
Exit immediately
I rub creams, oils, masks
Apply sunscreen desperately
I wonder if you see what I see
Instead of looking into my eyes
You are looking at my lines
Folds that tell you I’m getting old
Markers of my experience
My time
A life of stress and excitement
Hard decisions I’ve had to make
All the paths I’ve chosen to take
Repentance, glory, and sin
Worn on my skin
A face full of life
Seeking
A bottle of collagen
My youth has disappeared overnight
I stare back at them hard
I see every faint crease
Every mark
I run my hands over their indentation
Setting an intention
To love myself
I’m learning so slowly
I try hard not to move
My eyebrows, my eyes
Trying to improve
The situation
As if I keep still
They will reside
My forehead will smooth
Milky white
My perfection, my youth
Faintly slips away
I suppose these lines are here to stay
I find myself further inside
Tempted to hide
My flaws, my face
I think about Botox
Trying to erase the evidence
I embrace my age
I embrace my lines
Knowing my wrinkles
Don’t define my character
I want you to see my life
My old soul
And know that’s it’s full
My happiness shows through my crinkles
I smile deeply
Crows feet
Even though it creates
What I hate
I want to be this person
I want these lines
I want all of my experiences
My expressions, appearances
But I fear growing old
We’ve all been sold
An illusion of perpetual youth
Unflawed, non-reality
Smooth skin
And told it’s our duty
To look this way
I accept who I am in the mirror
I refuse to pay
These wrinkles are here to stay
And then with a start
I turn the off the lights
I can no longer see, only feel
My innermost self, beautiful
My lines disappear in the dark
My skin recedes
Blackness envelops me
And I become energy
I knew the moment you smiled at me
We locked eyes
And I returned your smile shyly
I’d see you again
You come back the next day
I lay on your table
Melting under your warm touch
You slowly undress
Caress and tease
I loll in the cool Jamaican breeze
You slip off my pants
Stroke my thighs
Invite me to dance
To the hum of the tides
In your personal yoga retreat
Massage therapy
I sneak out like a rebellious adolescent
Climbing the fence at night
Walk the wooden plank into your world
I don’t know where I am
I shouldn’t be here
You guide me through my fears
Gently grabbing my hand
We make love in your gym
A weight bench
A massage table
A parrot watching us with disapproval
You light up a joint
I lay basked in fluorescent nakedness
A foreigners bliss
A Jamaican fling
An accent so thick
I can’t understand a thing
A connection of the eyes
The smile is inviting
Your beautiful skin enticing
I caress your wounds
Unravel your stories
Your bullet holes and glories
Explore your past
Knowing this will not last
I make notes on your skin
Remembering
Etching into my story
Transient passion
Glorious sin
You drive me home at dawn
I pretend like I haven’t gone
Sneak in smiling
At my secret
The yoga retreat carries on
Yet your name creeps into my song
My experience
I’m in Jamaica for one more night
But I’ll remember that massage
For the rest of my life
Julie Sequoia Webb 