Struggle – Julie Sequoia Webb

I lost you
Before I even knew who you were
The memory is not real
But shaped by years without
The reality is a blur
Filled with doubt
The first pain I felt
The first blow I was dealt
Was grief
Disbelief

Who would you be today?
How different would my life be
If you had grown older loving me
You were my protector
My security
My father figure
You made everything better
With your presence

Sitting in your wood-paneled station wagon
I was too young to know what happened
I was left alone, without an explanation
Only an absence, an imagination
I imagined that you could see me
From somewhere out there
A child’s rationale of death, inconceivably

I imagined you knew all the bad things
Everything I had done
That you could see from the sky
Nothing now escaped your eyes
I couldn’t explain grief until I was older
Until I had words for these things
The feelings that loss brings

Grief comes at strange times
On the airplane, in checkout lines
At the DMV, when I’m empty
20 years later in therapy
It sneaks up on me

Maybe I grieve you all the time
Yet you are only a memory
A photograph I keep with me
A frog that jumps across my path
And I imagine that you see me
After all these years you laugh

Since you’re not here
I can make you anything I want
My loss grows flowers
I feel your love in the present

There’s something about going deep into nature that reminds me – I can let go. I don’t have to hold on so tightly to all the things I want. I don’t have to know.

This journey is slow

I zigzag across the river, falling deeper into nature, not seeing a soul

The desolate wilderness makes me feel fear but also whole

I’m reminded that I’m so very vulnerable

I have so little control

I choose a path and try my best to follow

But it’s hard to know what to do

When the path is no longer working for you

Do I keep going and try to see it through

Or turn around and find something else to pursue

I suppose I must take my cue

From my inherent feeling

The universal dealings

That I don’t understand

I’d like to think there’s a plan

The more time I spend thinking

The less time I spend listening

I dig my head in the sand

I’m completely alone, on my path

But the butterflies dance around me

The silence settles, the leaves chime in

Allowing my awareness to expand

To be in solitude is not a punishment

But an opportunity to understand

That everything changes

Including the scape of the land

Life is a kalescope

Shaken by someone’s elses hand

The colors and patterns may not suit me

But they will reform

Changing patterns is the norm

I struggle uphill

Yet the struggle is inside still

I trudge up a mountain and wonder how

I’ll get through what I’m going through now

Despite the sweat, confusion, and tears

This journey could take years

I choose to be happy now

Despite my insistent fears

Knowing it will all workout somehow

I stop and take in the sounds of nature

The wind, birds, running water

And keep trudging, just a little softer

I climb, higher and higher

My outlook becomes a little brighter

Tag: Struggle

Loss

Uphill